he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
