Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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