Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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