If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
