I think I died a long time ago.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
