and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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