The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
