Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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