i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
