sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
