I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
