I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
