an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
