Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
