Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize