Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
