Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
