Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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