I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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