Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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