I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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