my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
