Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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