I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
