my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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