i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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