Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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