i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
