Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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