Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
