i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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