I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
