The best revenge is premature balding
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Let's get the cat blown out
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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