During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
