Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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