I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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