I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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