new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
