uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
where are my eyebrows?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
