i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
