remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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