Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
