My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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