I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
