you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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