wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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