8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
