My balls are so social today.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
