True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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