see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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