I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
