The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize