It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
