was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
