Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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