ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
