my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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