Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
